I grow angry with myself sometimes. I lash out at myself because I can't seem to do something. Or I get my hopes high then I dash them out myself. Then I grow afraid. Afraid that I can't do anything. That--that I'm useless. Completely useless. Finally, I become enraged. I'm mad at God, me and the whole world. I want out and I want out now. That's how it goes.It's a cycle, a dangerous, vicious cycle that seems to never go. Never. I ask God: why me? What did I do to deserve someone like me? I ask him why doesn't he help me with me. WHy doesn't he send some blessings and rid me of me?
So basically, I don't know what to do with me.
Yeah, I know, I sound all depressing but the truth is I'll be over it for the most part by tomorrow morning. And that's what kills me the most.
Am I really just being some dramatic, hormonal teenage girl or is it more? I don't know. That bugs me. A lot. Really, how down in the dumps can a girl get? How messed up can she be before it's something else? I want to know.
I can't help, sometimes, that me hates me. I torture myself. Non-stop. Why? Anyone want to tell me why? Anyone KNOW why? I'm sorry, I know you all have to listen to me rant and rave about me being so sucky and you roll your eyes because it gets annoying. Trust me, I know! I'm doing the same thing and I wish for it to STOP.
Hey, I might not even post this. Most likely won't--because I'm afraid. I'm always afraid. Always. I think that's what has put me in this state. I'm constantly afraid. Of everything. All the time.
Does anyone else feel like this? Feel---I don't know. Feel like I do right now? Like I do all the time. Like just laying on the floor till God decides to take you? Till you become dust on the floor?
I do. And I want it to stop. Now.
I have no clue.
Welcome to my world. Have fun. And don't hurt yourself.