Thursday, November 18, 2010

Anger, Fear, Rage,

I grow angry with myself sometimes. I lash out at myself because I can't seem to do something. Or I get my hopes high then I dash them out myself. Then I grow afraid. Afraid that I can't do anything. That--that I'm useless. Completely useless. Finally, I become enraged. I'm mad at God, me and the whole world. I want out and I want out now. That's how it goes.It's a cycle, a dangerous, vicious cycle that seems to never go. Never. I ask God: why me? What did I do to deserve someone like me? I ask him why doesn't he help me with me. WHy doesn't he send some blessings and rid me of me?

So basically, I don't know what to do with me.

Yeah, I know, I sound all depressing but the truth is I'll be over it for the most part by tomorrow morning. And that's what kills me the most. 

Am I really just being some dramatic, hormonal teenage girl or is it more? I don't know. That bugs me. A lot. Really, how down in the dumps can a girl get? How messed up can she be before it's something else? I want to know.

I can't help, sometimes, that me hates me. I torture myself. Non-stop. Why? Anyone want to tell me why? Anyone KNOW why? I'm sorry, I know you all have to listen to me rant and rave about me being so sucky and you roll your eyes because it gets annoying. Trust me, I know! I'm doing the same thing and I wish for it to STOP.

Hey, I might not even post this. Most likely won't--because I'm afraid. I'm always afraid. Always. I think that's what has put me in this state. I'm constantly afraid. Of everything. All the time.

Does anyone else feel like this? Feel---I don't know. Feel like I do right now? Like I do all the time. Like just laying on the floor till God decides to take you? Till you become dust on the floor?

I do. And I want it to stop. Now.


I have no clue.

Welcome to my world. Have fun. And don't hurt yourself.



  1. I know exactly how you feel. I've struggled with hating myself for a long time, with depression for years... and it isn't easy. Not wanting to live, not thinking you're worth it, being so terrified (for me, of failure) that it paralyzes you, is so painful. All I can say is that no matter how screwed up we are, God loves us anyway. I know I don't deserve His love, but He loves me. And, thankfully, I have one solid friend who reminds me of that when I don't want to live. I'm very lucky to have him there for me, and never stop thanking God for him, even though my relationship with God is so weak... I have problems trusting my heavenly Father, because I don't trust my earthly father... but my point is, you CAN and WILL make it through this. The last year has been one of the most challenging of my life, but I pulled through, and am stronger because of it. A lot of that came from learning to talk about what was going on-it empowered me and freed me. Find someone you trust and let it out. And try to catch yourself whenever you think something negative-think of something positive, make it a habit, remind yourself that God does love you and try love yourself as well. And know that you are not alone.

  2. Thank you Elizabeth! It helps to know someone actually does know how you feel. I'm glad gave you the gift of your friend too!
    I know God's there for me that's why I get angry with myself when I tell myself he's not. Confusing right?

    I thank you for sharing with me! I know to keep pushing on and it helps, greatly, to hear someone else say it.

    I confined in my mom a lot and she's so amazing. I love her for all she's had to deal with when it comes to me. I really do love her for it. It's amazing how she can deal with my pain, her pain and the rest of the worlds pain. You know?

    And I'm so sorry that I sounded so dramatic. I read it over and wish to slap myself in the face and delete the post but I guess it's better to write it out than keeping it inside, right?

    Thanks again,

  3. No problem :). And I completely understand about getting mad at yourself for not trusting/believing in God to be there for you, when you know you're supposed to have faith. It is difficult to fight yourself...
    I am so glad that you are able to confide in your mom! And yes, I do know. I try not to talk to my mom about some things, because she already carries so much pain and I don't want to add to it. She, like myself, is one of those people who likes to fix things. And because she can't fix the problem, it hurts her to hear about it. She carries more than I will ever be able to comprehend, and is the most selfless person I know.
    Hey, no worries :). It is always better to write it out then keep it inside and let it fester. That friend of mine has taught me the value of venting-I've sent 5 page rants and let me tell you I could BREATHE afterward! :D lol.
    Don't be too hard on yourself for being 'dramatic'-you're a human being, and have feelings, and we all need to let it out sometimes :).
    You're very welcome-I'm just glad that my words helped you a little :).


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